The Vet-
This is the everyday public transportation soldier. Rain or shine, this person:

1. Waits for the bus or train on a designated bench/shelter.
2. Better yet, walks along the bus route, often reaching their destination quicker than the bus does.
3. Doesn’t talk to anyone, keeps to themselves
4. Will check a CTA employee in a heartbeat

Pays With: Chicago Card or Chicago Card Plus (the VIP pass) or a 30-day CTA pass
On-Board Action: Reads, writes, listens to music, multi-tasks
Sits: Near an exit, or in a single seat

The Newbie-
Commonly identified by their cordial nature and multiple pieces of luggage, the newbie clearly conveys that it’s their first time:

1. On a Bus or Train
2. In Chicago
3. Hearing other languages
4. Most of the above

Pays with: A twenty and asks for change
On Board Action: Stares out the window, stands directly in front of doors pointing at CTA map
Sits: In the first seat they see, with their backpack on the seat next to them

The Creep-
Right now, as you read this, someone is creeping out someone else (usually a newbie) on CTA property. A creep usually:

1. Stares at you
2. Smiles or laughs out-loud, while staring at you
3. Speaks in tongues, in between smiling/laughing/staring
4. Exposes him/herself or engages in physical contact, with the person they’re speaking in tongues/smiling/laughing/staring at.

Pays with: stolen or found transit card
On Board Action: way too active

The Sleeper-
No pun intended, this person is literally sleeping on the bus or train. They either:

1. Work 2 jobs
2. Are drunk
3. Are homeless
4. All of the above.

Pays with: Change
On board action: Snoring, drooling, etc.
Sits: With head down on window-sill, and feet up on seat next to them

The Walker
Unsure of everything, this person either:

1. Changes seats at least twice during the ride
2. Paces back and forth
3. Asks the bus driver/another passenger a question
4. B and C only

Pays With: What’s the fare cost?
On Board Action: Several
Sits: Barely

The Talker
One piece of CTA etiquette that often goes ignored is cell-phone use. Often discussing personal information on public transportation, the talker has no idea that:

1. They are sharing their conversation with the rest of the riders.
2. No one wants to hear their story.
3. They missed their stop.
4. None of the above.

Pays with: A phone wedged between their shoulder and chin
On Board Action: Conversational hand gestures
Sits: Anywhere

Ok that’s six personality types and I’m getting stumped. Well I can think of a few more, but it gets depressing after awhile.  Woe is the CTA rider. (Overly dramatic, I know)

As another “doomsday” approaches, I ask myself: How many legislators actually take public transportation?
———
R. Pepin

Grand/Milwaukee/Halsted- Chocolate; The west loop air is filled with lingering traces of cooking cocoa, courtesy of Blommer’s Chocolate Factory, which may smell pleasant at first but over time will connect you with your inner-nausea.

Damen and Erie- Fresh Bread; Walking, driving, or biking through the west side can stir up hunger, especially in the morning when the Gonnella Bread Factory makes the whole hood smell the dough their making.

Lawrence and Sheridan- Pee; Alleys in Uptown may possibly emit a stronger urine smell that urine itself.  My good friend Josh describes that smell as, “piss concentrate.”

18th and Ashland- Grilled Steak; I won’t lie; it smells damn good in Pilsen.

Clark and Addison- Crowded Bar; Also known as: beer-breath, cigarettes and vomit (and baseball and apple pie). Oh Wrigleyville.

Oak and Rush- Wet Dog; Though this area is filled with people who swear their shit doesn’t stink; it does stink, especially when it rains.

Devon and Western- Curry; (see 18th & Ashland)

Morse and Sheridan- Beach/Highway; I don’t know how one neighborhood can evoke these two seemingly separate smells, but there’s a certain scent that is unmistakably East Rogers Park, it’s the blend of sea shells and tailpipes.

Cermak and Wentworth- Dim Sum; Chinatown also has a unique blend of fumes. At times, it can smell like a warm, comfy kitchen, other times like a cold, fishy factory.  Usually, it’s a combination of the two.

Any train station underground- Mold/Urine; Next time you’re waiting for a train in the subway, look at the ceiling. You’re breathing that. (exception: remodeled stations)

Any train station above ground- Steel Dust/Car Exhaust; Same instructions as the underground stations, except look down instead of up. (no exceptions)

Any street downtown- Bad Breath/Sawdust; What’s worse: a yuppie newjack building a condo development in the parking lot you used to skate in, or a city full of his friends all talking at once?

Any Chicago River Bridge- Sewage; Thanks to a combined sewer network carrying both raw sewage and storm water in a single pipe, sewers frequently exceed their capacities, spilling directly into area rivers and streams at hundreds of locations throughout the city. Especially near Ashland Ave.

There you have it folks, the good, the bad, and the disgusting. Ok, so my city smells assessment may not be great for directions, but it won’t hurt. After all, our sense of smell goes a long way in our memory. If you don’t believe me, believe French author and philosopher, Marcel Proust, who wrote:

When nothing else subsists from the past, after the people are dead, after the things are broken and scattered· the smell and taste of things remain poised a long time, like souls· bearing resiliently, on tiny and almost impalpable drops of their essence, the immense edifice of memory.

-The Remembrance of Things Past

Dig that. And, be on the look-out for Novem’s next business move,
Chicago Classics: the cologne.
No?
Scratch-n-Sniff tees?
Maybe.

- R. Pepin